I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
