I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The Olympian is in my bed
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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