3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
