stop calling my apartment porn island.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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