i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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