Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
