Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
