so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
