I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
