I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
