Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
