Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
