so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
