Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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