I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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