Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
