Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
