S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize