I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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