i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
