Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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