What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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