I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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