His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
