The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
