why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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