My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
