Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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