where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
