sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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