you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
