please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
