I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
