mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
