I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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