can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
