is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
