you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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