dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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