Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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