I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
