I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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