I wish I could teleport
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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