I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
