____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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