I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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