I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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