i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
