I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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