I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
