i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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