i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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