Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
