my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
