It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
