I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
