I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
