we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
