life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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